5 Bold Predictions for the Year 2030

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5. People will be wearing turtles for hats

Turtles: the angels of the deep. Nothing represents human’s affinity with nature better than the humble turtle. And in 2020’s hyper-environmentally conscious population, that’s exactly the statement we will be wanting to make. Live clothing – or symbiotica – will be all the rage. Sponge underwear by Calvin Klein. Fern shirts by Ralph Lauren. But it’s the turtle hat that will be most prominent.

It just so happens that turtles have the perfect design. They have a flat belly to rest on the head. They have a hard shell that means they can be used as a helmet also. And their long neck can offer protection from the sun’s rays – which will be important considering the sun will have swollen to twice its current size. But remember, don’t confuse your turtle with a tortoise, you don’t want to dry out your skin. That’s not a good look regardless of what year it is.

4. Barrack Obama will divide into two separate entities and one will be become president of Russia

The writing is on the wall. We all know Obama is a communist, and a muslim, and probably an atheist too. We’ve known that since the beginning. But this secret plan to take control of two of the world’s greatest powers has only recently surfaced. Why do you think he is such a fervent supporter of stem cell testing – among other evils like abortion, gay marriage, and free health care? It’s because he desires the technology to splice with a plant and divide into two, equal, partially sentient presidents. Look out Putin. Here comes Obamalov!

3. Idiots will go extinct

To those of you who are avid fans of Li’l Wayne and think Avatar was a master work of storytelling, sorry, your time is up. A virus that attacks the part of the brain associated with ignorance and Nickelback will sweep through the global population, killing billions. Of course this means the world will have to function without ninety percent of its population, and New Zealand and Portugal will cease to be inhabited altogether.

But don’t worry, you can take measures to avoid being one of the countless dead. Just do what smart people do. Read a book from time to time, a whole book, without pictures or Jack Reacher. Go to museums, and art galleries, and watch films that aren’t about explosions. Try drinking tea instead of beer and coke, and a fine brie instead of skittles. It might just save your life.

2. Mount Everest Will Erupt

Yep. Everest is a dormant volcano.

I know it seems to be a beacon for stability on this Earth but, like sand gathering in a beachgoers butt crack, nothing stays dormant for ever – eventually all things get wiped away.

This once mighty mountain will leave a massive crevice in the Earth where Tibet currently resides. So yes, on the downside, it will kill millions, but it will also put an end to centuries of political turmoil. Tibet, you wanted to be left alone, well now you are, buried beneath a thousand metric tons of solidified volcanic rock.


1. Hurricanes will be the most common mode of International transport.

Climate change is real. By the year 2020 there will be upward of four hundred hurricanes a day in North America alone. The skies will no longer be safe for plane travel. But who needs them when you have cheap, non-polluting transport available? Anyone can take a ride! Travelling the world will no longer be reserved for the rich and irresponsible. Poor families of fifteen can simply pack up grandma and take a wind-gust to sunny Mildura.

Now the downside is that you may inadvertently drop out and plummet into the ocean. However, you could quite easily hitch a ride with the number two mode of transport: drifting icebergs, broken off from miles of useless glaciers. Who says climate change is bad?

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